King Arthur vs Amazon

In March of this year, I posted a review of a touring production of Camelot starring Michael York. My comments weren't exactly favorable.

Oh, who am I kidding? If I could have, I would have stood outside the theater a la "Monty Python and the Holy Grail" screaming, "Run away! Run away!"

Back to my point. After the show... that very night as I returned from the Ordway... from Amazon I ordered a DVD copy of the 1982 Broadway version starring Richard Harris as it had been broadcast on HBO.


That was in March 2008, folks.

Over the past nine months, Amazon has notified me no less than three times that release of the DVD had been pushed back again and again. The last time, about two weeks ago, the availability date was set at February 2008. I was aggravated, but what other choice did I have?

Last week I was on Amazon doing a bit of last minute Christmas shopping. Amazon's a great place for reasonable prices on DVDs (and I'm trying to avoid shopping at Best Buy). When what to my wondering eyes should appear but... Camelot... IN STOCK.

Wha-huh?

I quickly checked my pending orders. Camelot... the very same one... was still listed in my pending orders with an availability/ship date of February 2008.

Huh.

I cancelled my original order from March 2007. Placed a brand-spanking new order for the very same DVD. And it shipped the same day. New orders being fulfilled before orders that were several months old. Perhaps it was a glitch in the system, but it sure honked me off.

Good news is that we'll FINALLY be able to show the kids a production of Camelot, with a GOOD Arthur. Nine months late, but better late than never. I know what WE'RE doing Christmas Eve!

One Brief, Shining Moment... It Ain't

The most recent revival of Camelot at the Ordway in Saint Paul was the victim of a school yard bully: pushed in the mud, nose bloodied, snicker-snagged on... and had its lunch money taken away.

One look at the the masterminds behind this desecration of classic American musical theater and we can see why. The book for this production has been "reimagined" by Michael Lerner, son of the original lyricist Alan Jay Lerner, for a contemporary audience. Gone are musical numbers "The Jousts", "Fie on Goodness", and "I Loved You Once in Silence". "Guenevere", that tells the tale of Lancelot's escape, Guenevere's trial and sentence, Arthur's heartbreak, and the destruction of the Round Table has been virtually reduced to a chorus of 6 voices and 60 seconds of everyone running about.

Scenes have been swapped around. Songs moved or removed. Lines added or changed. New one-liners dropped in to lighten the tone of the second act. Old jokes, that may be offensive to our more enlightened modern tastes (read: whiney-ass cry-babies without a sense of humor) have been cut and replaced with awkward, apologetic comments.

Does Michael Lerner actually have a background in daddy's grand profession? Oh, no! This is his FIRST theatrical attempt. Prior to this he was a foreign correspondent for Newsweek magazine. No joke.

Michael's sister, Liza Lerner, is the Producer. And - who'd have guessed it - this is the FIRST show she's ever produced! What's the daughter of an American theater icon been doing for a living? She's the president of her own interior design firm. That explains the just-passable sets and the what-were-they-thinking costume choices.

From the moment the curtain rose, I knew we were in trouble as a young lad in silhouette rushed onto the stage and pulls a sword from a stone. I guess they had to remind us what show we came to see.

Then there's Michael York. Yup. There he is. An accomplished actor whose career spans over 40 years of stage and screen. And he was awful. I mean, really awful. Instead of a powerful but thoughtful and tragic king, we get an amiable, oafish Wart. York takes the man who never intended to be king, and runs with that interp through the entire show. Flat, one-note, and lifelessly mellow, Arthur bumbles bemusedly through most of the darkest moments of the play like a Zoloft-addicted koala bear.

Poor acting choices aside, York's physicality was completely distracting. We've all seen amateur actors who pose or have no clue as to what do with their hands to make their movement look natural. All night, York's elbows seemed to be tied to his waist in some sort of constant rock'em-sock'em-robot pattern of gestures. What's almost worse, is that he was the only actor on stage doing it. If I hadn't known better, I'd have said that this was opening night or his first stage show after years of film, but that's not the case. It was just sadly disappointing.

Rachel York, however, was surprisingly stunning. Her Guenevere had a vitality and intelligence often missing from this ingenue role from the moment she set foot on stage. James Barbour, in the role of Lancelot, lended his sonorous voice and musical theater acting chops to a role too often portrayed as a simple, self-centered, religious fanatic. Add in Time Winter's endearing Pellinore and Eric Anderson's pagan Merlyn, and you have several talented performers hog-tied into a frighteningly-disastrous train wreck aimed right at the terrified and unsuspecting audience.

We won't even get into the silliest dance move for knights a-may-ing -- ever, Lancelot's silver lame' go-go boots, nuance-nullifying amplified sound, the joust cut to a 2/3 version sword fight, a faster tempo for every tune, turning a classic tragedy into an upbeat romp for the the text-messaging generation, or the thoroughly uninspired blocking and stage pictures.

I mean, wow. This was a stinker. Ever seen audience members walk out of the middle of performances at the Ordway?

I did.

Yes. It was that bad.

We listened to one of the Richard Harris versions on CD in the car. Popped in the DVD of the 1967 film version when we got home. Ordered the 1982 Showtime version from Amazon before we went to bed. Had to get the bad taste out of our mouths.

I love Camelot and I have for years. I've read "The Once and Future King" by T.S. White many times and even Malory's "Le Morte d'Arthur". I don't want my children's only exposure to this timeless tale to be this butchered travesty. Time to right the wrongs before they end up in therapy.

* out of * * * * *

Skiing and a Show

Yesterday was a good day.

Made a tremendous dent in the laundry pile and got a respectable amount of sorting and putting away of stuff in the bedrooms.

When the kids came home, we'd planned to hit cheap night at the movies to see "The Astronaut Farmer". Since the next showing was still three hours away, Avindair and I went over to Pioneer Midwest in Osseo to finally get me my very own cross country ski set! I'd been renting for 1-1/2 seasons, and it was time to make the leap. We got in on their fantastic seasonal clearance sale - most items 40% off or more - and the staff was friendly and knowledgeable.

After the purchase, we had just enough time to grab a quick dinner, change into all of the new gear and hit the trails at Elm Creek Park Reserve. What a difference! Let it be known that I am not a talented cross country skier, but I am determined. With the rental skis I essentially trudged all 2.5 k. With the new, light, waxed skis, the trail was half the work with twice the fun. So worth it!

Since I didn't have to take the time for ski rental pick up and drop off, we got home with half an hour to spare before the movie. We had plenty of time to get changed, load the NerdPod into the NerdVan, and make it to the theater.

"The Astronaut Farmer", starring Billy Bob Thornton and Virginia Madsen, is one of those feel-good films you can take everyone to see. Charles Farmer, an aeronautical engineer, Air Force pilot, and space program candidate, is forced to give up his dreams of going into space to due to a tragic family event. He spends the next decade building his own rocket, and enlists the help of his wife and kids to make his dreams come true. A great, warm-hearted family film, "The Astronaut Farmer" is one of determination, inspiration, and love. The science is iffy, but it's the story that will draw you in. Want a movie that you can walk away from with a smile? "The Astronaut Farmer" is the one to see.

Not a bad day. Not a bad day, at all...

WARNING: "GHOST RIDER" SPOILERS AHEAD

"This looks like fun."

I sat back at my desk, browsing the latest movie reviews in the Star Tribune.

"Okay, definitely cheesy fun, but what the hell?"

Today was a good day. Avindair had arrived home before lunch. He'd just finished his final hours at his current, now former, writing gig. I'd been lounging and browsing the Web most of the morning, enjoying a few days off before the start of my new job.

"Wanna see a movie?"

Over the years, Avindair and I have made an occasional habit out of Friday afternoon hooky movies. Spirits were high with our recent good fortune, and we were in the mood for one of those silly, unpretentious rides through the magic of cinema -- and the kids would be at school for at least another four hours. I'd read Colin Covert's review of Ghost Rider: "... a fun little jaunt", "... sly sense of camp". Ghost Rider certainly looked as though it fit the bill.

A few minutes later, there we sat. Tickets, overpriced hot dogs, and sodas that would fill a well in a third world nation in hand. At first, we were the only ones in the theater.

"Wow! Our own private screening of a Nicholas Cage movie!"

Yes. That was sarcasm. It's true, we didn't expect much from seeing the trailers:

1. Flamey motorcycle riding
2. CGI effects
3. Gratuitous Nick Cage eyebrow raising
4. Gratuitous Sam Elliot cowboy squinting
5. Gratuitous Peter Fonda forehead gleaming

We settled in, eager to create our own Joel and the 'bots experience. Unfortunately, a few stragglers eventually filled a total of five more seats. Damn. We'd have to be content with whispered and silent giggles.

Oh, man. Did we underestimate this fetid pile of celluloid.

Johnny Blaze (Nicolas Cage) is a carnival stunt rider who, at a tender age, unintentionally sells his soul to save the life of his dying father. As usual, that bad old Mephistopheles has a few tricks up his sleeve. Johnny wakes the next morning to find Dad in perfect health, happier than he's been in years, and on his way to do his first stunt performance of the day. At this point, Avindair and I simultaneously waved bye-bye to Daddy Blaze. Might as well have painted a target on his forehead and renamed the character "Dead Meat".

Years later, after the tragic demise of Dea... uh... I mean, Daddy Blaze, Johnny is a famous stunt rider (a la Evel Knievel). After much lip-pursing and eyebrow raising, Johnny meets up with his long-lost love, Roxanne, woodenly portrayed by the ballon-breasted Eva Mendes.

Wooden, I guess, except for her breasts... which, I believe, had their own listing in the credits. Every time Eva had a costume change, you'd see more of her heaving bosom and the delicate little cross that said, "I'm a nice girl. Really!" Either Nick Cage or the editors get brownie points for never catching Johnny's eyes trained squarely on her cleavage.

Scene 1 Eva - the plucky former-girlfriend turned TV journalist: Unbelievably tight grey dress
Scene 2 Eva - the ditched, drunken, and disappointed former-girlfriend: Low cut, black spaghetti strap dress, push-up bra
Scene 3 Eva - the concerned, curious former-girlfriend: Unbelievably tight white blouse with load-bearing top button at nipple-height, and artfully displayed peek at bra
Scene 4 Eva - the blandly determined and satanically endangered former-girlfriend: Laughably low-cut blouse and boobs pushed together... just below the afore-mentioned gold cross... cause she's really an innocent, good girl

Back to the plot.

Oh, who's kidding? There WAS no plot. Things just... sorta happened.

Eventually, Mephi gets around to making good (or bad) on Johnny's contract. Johnny is tasked with finding Mephi's juvenile deliquent son, Blackheart, and sending he and his elemental demon gang back to hell. So in truth, Ghost Rider is more like Satan's truant officer than the Devil's bounty hunter.

Through lingering CGI that is far too impressed with itself ("We paid for these effects and we're going to show them, dammit!"), uninspired cinematography, and poorly edited scenes, Johnny eventually finds his mentor, the Caretaker (Sam Elliot). Although Johnny doesn't realize it, the Caretaker is actually the former Rider, who escaped Mephi's grasp 150 years before with a contract for 1000 uncollected souls of unimaginable eeeeevil and lives on the hallowed ground of the cemetery for his protection.

Never mind the little plot gaffe of how Blackheart was able to go into a church, light candles, and threaten a priest, but couldn't step foot in a cemetery to take a piece of paper from an old cowboy.

Things happen. Elemental demon gang gets sent home. Former little wooden girlfriend gets mildly threatened by Satan's petulant goth spawn. The Caretaker has his last pyrotechnic ride. Ghost Rider saves the world and pisses off Mephi. The end.

I knew this would be a cheese-fest walking in the door. I just didn't expect it to be this bad. After all, writer / director / producer Mark Steven Johnson made Daredevil. Not an Academy Award winner, but a fun, superhero flick in the guity-pleasure genre. Then again, he also made Elektra.

Good Points:

- Sam Elliot. True, he's pretty much the same character in everything he does and this was yet another case of cookie-cutter typecasting, I couldn't imagine anyone else in the role. One of the few believable performances.
- Donal Logue. The other believable performance. I was genuinely pissed off when his character died.
- Seed of plot premise. The Ghost Rider comics didn't exactly have an established, cohesive origin story. Kid selling his soul to save dad was believable.
- I liked the plot's use of the "Penance Stare" power, even though the effect itself went on too long.
- Great scene with Johnny in jail. Actually elicited a few enthusiastic YEAH's from Avindair and me.
- Scenes between Nick and Sam were some of the best in the film; even the purely CGI "Riders" sequence near the end.

Bad Points:

- There were only two reasons for Eva Mendez to be in this film, and I think we all know what they were. I haven't seen a performance this bad since Thora Birch as the Empress Savina in "Dungeons and Dragons". PLEASE! Someone tell me this woman will never make another talkie again!
- I'm all for cleavage, but Eva's plunging neckline became ridiculous. I actually laughed out loud.
- Plot holes! Why could Blackheart be in a church but not in the cemetery? Why could the Caretaker only ride one more time and how did he know that? What happened to him at the end of the film? When Daddy Devil has millions of souls at his disposal, what would it matter if his son picked up 1000? That's a threat? What the hell made THESE particular souls so especially eeeeevil?
- Bad, bad writing. Really bad dialogue.
- Poor acting. At least most of the cast had an excuse, but Nick Cage, shame on you. The CGI Ghost Rider had more expression.

My recommendation: Only watch this film to get the bad taste of Cat Woman or The Hulk out of your mouth. Rent the DVD, get boozed up, and put away all solid objects that can be thrown. Your television will thank you.

*****

I give it a 2 out of 5.