WARNING: "GHOST RIDER" SPOILERS AHEAD

"This looks like fun."

I sat back at my desk, browsing the latest movie reviews in the Star Tribune.

"Okay, definitely cheesy fun, but what the hell?"

Today was a good day. Avindair had arrived home before lunch. He'd just finished his final hours at his current, now former, writing gig. I'd been lounging and browsing the Web most of the morning, enjoying a few days off before the start of my new job.

"Wanna see a movie?"

Over the years, Avindair and I have made an occasional habit out of Friday afternoon hooky movies. Spirits were high with our recent good fortune, and we were in the mood for one of those silly, unpretentious rides through the magic of cinema -- and the kids would be at school for at least another four hours. I'd read Colin Covert's review of Ghost Rider: "... a fun little jaunt", "... sly sense of camp". Ghost Rider certainly looked as though it fit the bill.

A few minutes later, there we sat. Tickets, overpriced hot dogs, and sodas that would fill a well in a third world nation in hand. At first, we were the only ones in the theater.

"Wow! Our own private screening of a Nicholas Cage movie!"

Yes. That was sarcasm. It's true, we didn't expect much from seeing the trailers:

1. Flamey motorcycle riding
2. CGI effects
3. Gratuitous Nick Cage eyebrow raising
4. Gratuitous Sam Elliot cowboy squinting
5. Gratuitous Peter Fonda forehead gleaming

We settled in, eager to create our own Joel and the 'bots experience. Unfortunately, a few stragglers eventually filled a total of five more seats. Damn. We'd have to be content with whispered and silent giggles.

Oh, man. Did we underestimate this fetid pile of celluloid.

Johnny Blaze (Nicolas Cage) is a carnival stunt rider who, at a tender age, unintentionally sells his soul to save the life of his dying father. As usual, that bad old Mephistopheles has a few tricks up his sleeve. Johnny wakes the next morning to find Dad in perfect health, happier than he's been in years, and on his way to do his first stunt performance of the day. At this point, Avindair and I simultaneously waved bye-bye to Daddy Blaze. Might as well have painted a target on his forehead and renamed the character "Dead Meat".

Years later, after the tragic demise of Dea... uh... I mean, Daddy Blaze, Johnny is a famous stunt rider (a la Evel Knievel). After much lip-pursing and eyebrow raising, Johnny meets up with his long-lost love, Roxanne, woodenly portrayed by the ballon-breasted Eva Mendes.

Wooden, I guess, except for her breasts... which, I believe, had their own listing in the credits. Every time Eva had a costume change, you'd see more of her heaving bosom and the delicate little cross that said, "I'm a nice girl. Really!" Either Nick Cage or the editors get brownie points for never catching Johnny's eyes trained squarely on her cleavage.

Scene 1 Eva - the plucky former-girlfriend turned TV journalist: Unbelievably tight grey dress
Scene 2 Eva - the ditched, drunken, and disappointed former-girlfriend: Low cut, black spaghetti strap dress, push-up bra
Scene 3 Eva - the concerned, curious former-girlfriend: Unbelievably tight white blouse with load-bearing top button at nipple-height, and artfully displayed peek at bra
Scene 4 Eva - the blandly determined and satanically endangered former-girlfriend: Laughably low-cut blouse and boobs pushed together... just below the afore-mentioned gold cross... cause she's really an innocent, good girl

Back to the plot.

Oh, who's kidding? There WAS no plot. Things just... sorta happened.

Eventually, Mephi gets around to making good (or bad) on Johnny's contract. Johnny is tasked with finding Mephi's juvenile deliquent son, Blackheart, and sending he and his elemental demon gang back to hell. So in truth, Ghost Rider is more like Satan's truant officer than the Devil's bounty hunter.

Through lingering CGI that is far too impressed with itself ("We paid for these effects and we're going to show them, dammit!"), uninspired cinematography, and poorly edited scenes, Johnny eventually finds his mentor, the Caretaker (Sam Elliot). Although Johnny doesn't realize it, the Caretaker is actually the former Rider, who escaped Mephi's grasp 150 years before with a contract for 1000 uncollected souls of unimaginable eeeeevil and lives on the hallowed ground of the cemetery for his protection.

Never mind the little plot gaffe of how Blackheart was able to go into a church, light candles, and threaten a priest, but couldn't step foot in a cemetery to take a piece of paper from an old cowboy.

Things happen. Elemental demon gang gets sent home. Former little wooden girlfriend gets mildly threatened by Satan's petulant goth spawn. The Caretaker has his last pyrotechnic ride. Ghost Rider saves the world and pisses off Mephi. The end.

I knew this would be a cheese-fest walking in the door. I just didn't expect it to be this bad. After all, writer / director / producer Mark Steven Johnson made Daredevil. Not an Academy Award winner, but a fun, superhero flick in the guity-pleasure genre. Then again, he also made Elektra.

Good Points:

- Sam Elliot. True, he's pretty much the same character in everything he does and this was yet another case of cookie-cutter typecasting, I couldn't imagine anyone else in the role. One of the few believable performances.
- Donal Logue. The other believable performance. I was genuinely pissed off when his character died.
- Seed of plot premise. The Ghost Rider comics didn't exactly have an established, cohesive origin story. Kid selling his soul to save dad was believable.
- I liked the plot's use of the "Penance Stare" power, even though the effect itself went on too long.
- Great scene with Johnny in jail. Actually elicited a few enthusiastic YEAH's from Avindair and me.
- Scenes between Nick and Sam were some of the best in the film; even the purely CGI "Riders" sequence near the end.

Bad Points:

- There were only two reasons for Eva Mendez to be in this film, and I think we all know what they were. I haven't seen a performance this bad since Thora Birch as the Empress Savina in "Dungeons and Dragons". PLEASE! Someone tell me this woman will never make another talkie again!
- I'm all for cleavage, but Eva's plunging neckline became ridiculous. I actually laughed out loud.
- Plot holes! Why could Blackheart be in a church but not in the cemetery? Why could the Caretaker only ride one more time and how did he know that? What happened to him at the end of the film? When Daddy Devil has millions of souls at his disposal, what would it matter if his son picked up 1000? That's a threat? What the hell made THESE particular souls so especially eeeeevil?
- Bad, bad writing. Really bad dialogue.
- Poor acting. At least most of the cast had an excuse, but Nick Cage, shame on you. The CGI Ghost Rider had more expression.

My recommendation: Only watch this film to get the bad taste of Cat Woman or The Hulk out of your mouth. Rent the DVD, get boozed up, and put away all solid objects that can be thrown. Your television will thank you.

*****

I give it a 2 out of 5.