Thursday, February 27, 2014

Review: 10,000 B.C.

I discovered a few drafts that for some odd reason, I'd never quite finished. Releasing them on the unsuspecting public now. Spoiler Alert: This review ends in a cliffhanger. 


Yes. If this movie wasn't already spoiled rotten. So rotten, in fact that it currently holds a 7% on the Rotten Tomato meter.

I confess. We went to 10,000 B.C. with one expectation: to get a good laugh from what we knew would be a hideously bad film. I must say that it did fulfill that expectation -- in spades. One look at the trailer, depicting woolly mammoths building the pyramids, and we were hooked.

Where, oh, where do I begin?

10,000 B.C. follows the meandering trail of D'Leh (who's name is funny enough, but I prefer to call him "NeanderTed") as he stumbles from hunter-gatherer to Neolithic farmer for a chick with bad blue contact lenses named Evolet. Truly a film for the WASP "special snowflake" generation, NeanderTed and Evolet trip over a pile of woolly mammoth dung and are credited with saving civilization.

Once again, I warn you: SPOILERS AHEAD. Proceed at your own risk.

The movie begins with the sweeping vista of a snowy tundra. A small tribe of hunter-gatherers, strangely comprised of dread-locked Inuit, Maori, African-American and European descent people, is bemoaning the lack of mammoths. They find a child with bad blue contact lenses and the medicine woman proclaims that she is a special snowflake who will apparently do everything from finding the cure for cancer to discovering jelly donuts.

NeanderTed loves Evolet.

So. Her family gets killed. Another tribe finds her. A medicine woman says she's a special snowflake and announces that the new leader of the tribe gets to claim her for their own. NeanderTed is supposedly more noble because he wants to win to have her, not to be the leader of his people.

NeanderTed only wins because he accidentally kills the mammoth while running like a little girl and has to be guilted into giving up the prize... and pouts. Once again, the "four-legged demons" show up. Steal people from this tribe, including her. NeanderTed goes after her. NeaderTed, one of a tribe of truly stone age people who make Fred and Wilma Flintstone look brilliant, stumbles his way from frozen tundra to steaming jungle in 3 easy steps.

"You've killed the bad guy, and toppled a mighty civilization. Welcome back to your shithole!"

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